dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
