Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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