The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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