My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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