So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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