The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
