i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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