Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
