Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
