So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
