we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize