i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize