yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
