Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
As shirtless as possible
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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