I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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