I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
