My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
