I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
