Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
