seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
