My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
