i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
