so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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