my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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