I am spending my child support on dildos
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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