It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
