Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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