and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
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