I wish my penis had an off switch
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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