I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
