1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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