is your mom at the bar?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
