Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
