the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
