You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
