I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
