Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
