Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
