Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
