I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
