hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
