Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
