and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
