the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
