I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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