didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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