so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
