Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
