I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
