Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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