I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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