i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
