They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
