yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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