hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
