My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
