It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
