Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she woke up with a sticky ear
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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