I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
