where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my phone needs a breathalizer
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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