maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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