when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
