well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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