Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
