FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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