I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
